Russia - The Scoop

Russia's myriad woes defy being capsulized. Chechnya is giving Colombia and the Philippines a run for their ransoms as the kidnap capitals of the world. Five Russian TV journos snatched earlier in 1997 are still missing. A police crackdown has netted dozens of hostage-takers. The Russian military remains in shambles. More than 10 Russian soldiers die each day from non-combat causes-including suicide and malnourishment. The Chechens should have just waited for the Russkies to off themselves. (The Russian population decreases by 1.2 million people a year.) To boost dismal morale and put more potatoes on the officers' plates, Russia has started peddling antiaircraft missiles to Cyprus, despite threats of force from Turkey, which would assuredly kick Boris' behind in a full-auto pistol polo match. Now that Yeltsin has been invited into the Boys Club of the Eight, he gets his mug on CNN more, but still has to deal with Russia's nemesis supreme: Afghanistan. Afghanistan has been a burr between Moscow's buns for two decades-hastening the collapse of the USSR-and the Taliban doesn't bode well for Mother Vodka. Once again, Moscow is faced with possible military intervention (a Russian oxymoron), as Afghanistan has become a staging ground for Islamic insurgents seeking to topple the Russian-backed government in Tajikistan. Drinking games aside, Boris fears a domino effect if the Taliban gets a foothold in Tajikistan. Turkmenistan and Uzbekistan would surely be next. Russia's military can hardly afford another ass-kicking.

It's amazing enough that the Kremlin's button-pushers even possess this information at all. Kremlin intelligence (another Russian oxymoron) has been as ravaged as the army. The dreaded KGB has been replaced by the threaded FSB, who are so hard up for good spies and information other than Iditarod scores that they've set up a telephone hotline to bring Russian agents spying for foreign intelligence services back into the fold. That's right! Turncoat agents can now call a special number and turn themselves in! Callers are immune from prosecution and can continue to collect CIA, MI6 and Mossad paychecks, but are asked in return to provide those spook agencies with bogus information. Wow. In Russia, a mole is a birthmark with a bunch of hairs growing out of it.

Russia has reverted back to a 19th-century society of potato farmers. But potato farmers with nukes. The middle class, a key to a successful democracy, is dissolving like cheap dentures in an acid bath. The rank-and-file of the army haven't been paid in months. Russia will never be the West. Look for a military coup and a scenario that makes the Cold War look like a hockey game.

It Doesn't Get Much Worse . . .

The President has decreed that government officials will have to exchange their Mercedes and other luxury imported cars for domestic Volga sedans. The luxury cars will be sold by the government at open auctions. This comes at a time when millions of Russians haven't seen a paycheck for months. Some bureaucrats have put in a request for two Volgas to replace a single Mercedes because Volgas "break down so much," said one.