Congo - Mobutu Sese Seko Kuku Ngbenda wa za Banga (formerly Joseph Désiré Mobutu)

Joe Mobutu's an ex-player, but it would be unfair to readers not at least keep him in just for yuks in this dismal play. The late self-proclaimed and former "Redeemer," "Liberator," "Helmsman," "Messiah," "Guide" and the "cock who will jump on anything" (we are not making this up) isn't doing a lot of redeeming, liberating, steering or guiding anymore. Most of his estimated US$4-$8 billion in ill-gotten wealth is safely out of the country and tucked into his family's Swiss banks. The Swiss froze a US$2.75 million villa on Lake Geneva, but the former dictator had 24 other houses around the world to crash at.

How did he get so rich? Well, for example, when the German company OTRAG was looking for a place to test satellite rocket launchers, Mobutu gave them a chunk of his country as big as Belgium. The fee was $50 million, which Joe simply deposited in his personal account. He managed to siphon off aid money coming in and sales of raw resources going out. When that wasn't enough, he would simply write himself a check from the main mining concessionaire. In 1978, he made Gecamines write him a check for the entire year's export sales ($1.2 billion). That's a lot of villas. Most foreign aid loans or projects benefited him directly and nobody every wanted to repossess Zaire. He would siphon CIA money destined for UNITA (which was fighting the MPLA) in Angola to the south and any money sent to the government to fight communism (a.k.a. Kabila) went straight into his pockets.

At the end, his wealth didn't help, nor did he have any friends. He died in Morocco surrounded by about 40 hangers-on and his immediate family. He was 66. Considering that most Congolese don't live to see their 60th birthday, Mobutu Sese Seko did pretty well for the son of a maid from Gbadolite. His Israeli bodyguard, leopard-skin cap, harlequin outfits and ivory cane became fashion statements among dictator wannabes and fans of Eddie Murphy. Not a man with an eclectic taste in women, Mobutu's mistress was his wife's twin sister. For now, his numerous offspring will live well on the boulevards of Paris.